Does anyone know what tomorrow is? Well, I can only think of a couple of people, who might be reading this blog, that would know. Tomorrow is April 29th! The twins will be 1 year and six months old. Wow, time has flown by. I look back and it doesn't 'seem' like that long ago. I will always cherish the time I carried the boys. Every time I see M&M's candies I am reminded of the journey I shared with them. Sadly, I am also reminded of the day she called to say they would no longer keep in touch (in any form). The pain I felt from those words still haunt me. I try to understand their reasoning behind it, I really do try. However, I am left with a picture from when they were 3 months old and an update from when they were 9ish months old. I do respect their privacy and that is why I don't blog about all that I feel regarding this situation. YET, this is MY blog and I have shared the journey on here and I feel like today I want to share, a little. Share the pain of never knowing how they are. Share the pain of never holding them when they were born. Share the pain of their parents deciding that I wasn't part of their real family (even though I carried them). "NO CONTACT" haunts me. Tears burn my eyes from time to time when I think of the last week of my pregnancy. Smiles come to my lips when I think of what milestones they might have accomplished by now. Bitter-Sweet is all I can say.
I was going through a tote the other day and seen their bday present I bought and never mailed. It is a collector's M & M's race car, two of them that are different. I am not certain that I will purchase a present for them each year, probably not considering that would be weird to have all those in my house. However, I bought the cars before the dreaded phone call I received last summer. I am doing much better now. I consider this a loss for me. When people ask about them, I am able to respond without breaking down. I have a hard time letting people see my emotions anyways, mostly hiding it deep inside. Eventually is spills over and I have to allow myself the release of tears, accept that this was a choice not made by me. What we do effect others in ways we often do not realize. I will forever think, pray and sometime even cry about them. Nothing in this life is perfect. Things hardly goes as planned. Acceptance is the key to unlocking the door to the next chapter of our life. I care deeply for the twins and their family. I miss the conversations I would have with their mom about their sister. I miss so much about that chapter in my life. A chapter that was cut short, in my opinion.
In reflecting on that, I have also come to the conclusion... In 1 year, I lost all of the baby weight from the pregnancy. I weigh less now than when I got pregnant with them on March 15th, 2009 (yes, another date that is etched in my mind). I am currently still working out and some weeks I am better with my diet than others. I have really decided that I need to be content with me and myself. In the past (recent past), I have constantly dwelt on improvement. Goals of a tummy tuck, lipo, smaller butt, trim hips, nothings ever good enough. Well, today: right NOW, I am focusing on loving me right where I am.